What if I'm not strong enough?

“Loves like a hurricane; I am a tree, bending underneath the weight of his love and mercy.”

But what if I’m not strong enough to bear it? What if I’m not strong enough for him?

God is so large and I’m so small. He is the creator of the universe and I’m me. We aren’t even comparable. On any scale imaginable.

He promises so much and his promises are great. But I’m scared. Scared of failing him, scared of not being good enough. Scared of not being strong enough to do what he needs me to do. And I know in my heart that this is stupid. Because I don’t have to be strong enough. He is strong enough for me. He can use me in my weakness. All I have to do is trust in him. But that leads to another thing I’m scared of.

I’m scared of letting go. Scared of surrendering all of me to him, and diving into the unknown. No matter how many times people tell me it will be alright, no matter how many sermons I hear on just trusting in the Lord, I still doubt a little. There’s still a voice in the back of my brain doubting that he will catch me when I fall. So I don’t. I cling tightly to the things I know, and try to control my own life. Then I feel bad about it. Yet I still remain too scared to let go.

But what am I supposed to do? I pray for answers, I ask for patience or help or just to be able to trust God a little more and yet I still fall into the trap of expecting answers immediately. When I don’t get them, I get even more downhearted. It’s a vicious circle that I can’t seem to escape, no matter how hard I try.  I seek to understand him better, but just become more confused. I long for the surety of others. The confidence that comes from him and helps them do his work. I long for it will all my heart and soul. Yet still I find myself lacking.

What am I supposed to do now? Where do I go from here? What is my next step supposed to be, when every step is exhausting and there seem to be a thousand miles to go to find answers? When every day feels like a battle that I’ve already lost?

I don’t know. I honestly don’t. And if anyone was reading this because they feel the same way sometimes and were hoping for answers, I’m sorry because I don’t have them. But if anyone does feel the same way, and felt like they were alone, like they were the only ones who felt like this. Who thought that everyone else had it sorted. You’re not. Others feel exactly the same way that you do.

I may not have answers. But maybe, we can find them together.